when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4
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Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Had an epiphany today.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.