If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
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My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?