“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
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My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Hotels are back
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.