– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
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This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.