the chicken was already gone when I got here
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Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!