When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
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I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
what are they serving at kfc then???
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Google Pay be like:
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.