My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
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When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
But that’s none of my business
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me