Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
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Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Home is where your toilet is.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.