disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
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I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective