accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
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Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.