You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
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The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
I think I’ll stand
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.