My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
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A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Lassie, get help!
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
$3 #books
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children