I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
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She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.