the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
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McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.