The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
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[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.