Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
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Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
definitely did not do anything wrong
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.