When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
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“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
I’ve had worse
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.