So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
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The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.