Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
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i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Body by cheese-puffs.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.