Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
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*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.