We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
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Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
You saw nothing. I am ham.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Reporter: *ports again*
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.