I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
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[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
The news
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.