My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
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I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Good boy 😂😂
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes