Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
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It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
dream blunt rotation
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game