what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
You Might Also Like
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”