*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
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sry
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Same post same
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good