*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
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Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?