you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
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Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.