[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
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Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?