[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
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the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
repaired
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Breaking news:
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”