DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
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Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*