The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
You Might Also Like
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Lube but for my dry humor.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .