officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
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“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
My brother-in-law: what鈥檚 your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
My laugh is like what you鈥檇 hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn鈥檛 going very well.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 馃槀馃槀
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let鈥檚 split up
me: no
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn鈥檛 plan your story very well.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the 拢67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.