Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
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I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Whoa 😂
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Smooooooth