Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
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No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Become ungovernable.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
is this a warning or an offer?
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.