screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
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[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
termite twitter scares me
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March