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Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
christening a ship with an overripe banana
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.