Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
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I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
This squirrel eats better than I do
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”