[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
You Might Also Like
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂