I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.
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The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
respect
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.
🐟✨ #re4