the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
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the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
I wanna be friends with this person
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.