Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
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My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV