Gave my address to a man on Facebook who said he sells & delivers eggs for $4 a dozen if I get murderrred please put this detail in my obituary
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Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
When it comes to depression, sighs matters
Spoiler Alert: I was late
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Counting your noodles demonstrates an affinity for ramen numerals.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
My plans: 2020:
Watching the news and they keep referring to the “late president Carter.” Let’s cut the guy some slack, how do you expect him to get anywhere on time? He’s dead!!
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch