HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.