Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face