God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
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Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
I just ran a .003048K
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun