Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA