What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??