“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
$4 #usedbooks
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet