Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
You Might Also Like
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
cause of death:
autopsy.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time